I have banana bread w/ Ghirardelli chocolate chips in baking in the oven. I'm covered in a fuzzy blanket with new episodes of Psych on. I have just finished feeding, burping, changing and cuddling her to sleep successfully. I have finished the laundry and the dishes. I am actually showered, dressed and feeling not sick. I have journaled and made goals to help the things that I am struggling with be more endurable. I have talked with family and friends. I have candles burning, and we have Christmas decorations up. I have my Mom coming on Saturday to look forward to, some time off to spend with Lester and hopefully a visit to Texas, and then a visit home to bless our sweet baby.
Best of all, I have people who love and care for me and my beautiful family, with a gospel I believe in to sustain me in the hard times. I don't think I am 100% in the clear yet. I don't think I've ever gone through any kind of real depression, and this whole baby blues syndrome [or whatever it is] is something I never could have fathomed before. I also think that when you are pregnant, you think to yourself 'after the baby comes, and things get back to normal..'but then, you do have your miracle baby, and you realize that things will never 'go back' to the way they were before. They will always be different-you are parents now and that can be overwhelming. But then you realize one day as you smell the banana bread cooking and think about your new life that you would never, ever want it to go back to how it was before, even if it is incredibly hard at times.
So, since right now I am feeling good, I am going to look forward. I am going to cherish this moment and do everything I can to feel that way more often, and not be hard on myself even when I do feel down. Its always darkest before the dawn right? Right.
PS: I hope anyone who reads this blog doesn't feel like I am ungrateful for the incredible family I have. Lester and Addy are the best things that have ever happened to me without question, and I love them more then anything. Writing these feelings and experiences I am having just helps me to see through the veil of this depression, [which apparently up to 80% of women experience] and see things for what they really are..a blessing.
PPS: I am adding pictures of Addy because lets face it she's adorable!]
[Believe it or not, these are her 'contented' lips haha..she always makes them right after she's eaten and changed!]
[look at those cheeks!!!]
[more contented lips here..]
Dear Sweet Julia,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you're feeling right now and I know how much post partum SUCKS!!! Talk to you doctor. Don't be afraid to get medication. It makes all the difference in the world and will even make you a better mom because you'll actually be happy. It does get better, but it sometimes take up to a year or longer, so don't be afaid to do something about it. Call me if you want to talk about it.
Love you!
Lisa
Julia, Addy is so adorable. Congratulations to you and Lester. Reading your blog totally brings me back to the early days of being a new mom to Kai. I can relate to the whole roller coaster of emotions (it's crazy what sleep deprivation combined with the stresses of having a baby can do to your nerves). It has been so much easier the second time around, because having gone through it before, you realize that the newborn stage is over so quickly in the grand scheme of things. It makes it so much easier to deal with the exhaustion. You also learn that babies are surprisingly resilient. With Kai every single cry stressed me out. With Ari, I know that sometimes babies just cry. It's their only way of expressing themselves. And that they will be just fine if they have to cry a few minutes before you can get to them. (You also learn how to tune their crying out at times...something that was impossible with Kai.) So hang in there, eat some banana bread, enjoy your time with your mom, and remind yourself that it only gets better...100 times a day if you have to.
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