I'm Not Good At This

Well, I hope for all you mothers out there that this day was FABULOUS-I'm sure you all deserve it, just like the women in my life do! For me, it was a 'mixed bag' kind of a day. When I was 15ish, my strange, but close knit Daly City Ward got dissolved. I was heartbroken. I was in a new building with new people and new everything, and if you know me you know that I don't like new. No thank you, just give me the old, broken in, loved lifestyle and all the things that come with it. For a while, it was a struggle and for the first year of being there I refused to accept that I was a part of this ward and still told people I was from the Daly City ward. Eventually, a boy moved in named Lester, and sufficed to say, things worked out for the better because all these thing happened.

Well. Its happening again. When we first got married, there were a lot of adjustments to make. Like living with a guy, living in a new town and apartment, not coming home for summers, making married friends, etc etc. It took a while, but eventually we made some good friends and I really felt like I was starting to get the hang of things. Then a lot of our friends moved-although I was bummed, I still knew that I had Lester, and we had at least a few other friends here with us. Today, we went to church and SURPRISE they completely changed the ward boundaries, and now we are in a whole different ward, while all our friends who are two buildings away from us are in the same, old ward together.

I know your all probably going to finally see how irrational and ridiculous I am after I say this, but to be honest when they first announced it I was just really really angry. I think it was just a reminder that even when I think I am in control of things, and all is fine and stable, it isn't. I am tired of feeling like I am not in control of anything. I am tired of changing. I am tired of talking to my family a million miles away on the phone while they are all together, where I have been for the past 22 years. I am tired of having to remind myself that the reason I have to spend about 20 hours of the day by myself is because my wonderful husband is working so hard to make a life for us. I am tired of leaving-whether its other people, or me. I am tired of making new friends over and over and over again because the old ones are gone. I AM TIRED OF CHANGING. I don't know why I didn't think my ward would change, and that it would be the only continually stable thing in my life for a while-I guess I just felt like it was my one lifeline to a social life and to not feeling alone all the time. I'm just not good at this.

I peaced out of church early while Lester got all the details about our new ward. I wanted to call my Mom but I knew that as soon as she answered the phone I'd start balling again and not be able to get out the words "I miss you. This is harder then I thought. I feel lost and alone. oh and by the way happy mothers day. sorry I just ruined it." If anything it would just be awkward gasps of me trying to get air in between sobs and Id sound like some creeper prank caller. My friends from home were in church, so I visited an old roommate and just cranked out all the tears I could. It felt good to just let it all out. And after that I wasn't angry anymore-just disappointed and resigned. I have faith that it will be a good change; it has to be. Because only the good things are worth these awful changes. Lester was worth the changes. This will be to I hope.

On a happier note, when I got home my two friends from my ward [well now old ward I guess] were here with muffins and a note telling me that of course we would still hang out all the time-us interracial couples have to stick together here in Rexburg haha. And later that night we made won tons from scratch with the Morco's and played Monopoly Deal. It was a good end to a not so good day.

Life will get better. The sun comes after the storm right? I'm just really ready for some sun.