We're Having a Baby..My Baby and Me!!!!!

So...its official...were ten weeks pregnant! OH WHAT! We are so nervous excited it is insane!

About 8 weeks ago, I started feeling really rotten all the time. I thought I might be pregnant, but when I took a test, it said I wasn’t. I was confused, but moved on. Then at the the end of the month, I got my typically crampy pains and thought my visitor was for sure coming. But after the month ended, I still had no visitor and was still feeling sick.I started to think it was time to take another test. Because I had taken one like two weeks before that, Lester humored me, but told me to brace myself for disappointment bc he was almost 100% sure I wasn’t pregnant. So that morning, when my stomach pains and achy muscles woke me up again at 4:00 in the morning, I took the test...and before I even had time to put it on the counter, it was positive. I went and sat on the couch, and decided that even though it was already clear, I would wait the required ten minutes-that maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. After triple checking to make sure I wasn’t going crazy, I walked in the room to a fast asleep Lester and whispered “I...I...think were pregnant.” I have never seen him shoot up so fast or so wide awake before! He asked if I was serious, and was I sure, checked it and we spent the rest of the night in absolute shock and excitement. We couldn’t sleep so we just talked and smiled for hours.

Its funny though, because I’ve thought about the day we’d find out we were pregnant for so long, that I think I thought I’d automatically just be endowed with some gorgeous light and automatic motherhood instincts-like I wouldn’t doubt my abiltiies, because after all, this is what we wanted. But for me at least, its nothing like that. From the second I found out, every possible worry and fear that lingered in the back of my mind came to the front; both normal and practical concerns, like finances, but also really ridiculous ones like, what were we thinking-I am the most unqualified, inadequate person to do this? What if I am just not cut out for motherhood period? I guess once it became real, I just got really scared. I think before, all I thought about was the fun parts of having a kid-like the cuddling, the clothes, the baby showers, the cuteness, and seeing Lester and me in a child. But somehow I completely neglected to think about the other realities-the constant sickness and feeling ugly, and miserable and lethargic. I think it scared me even more that Lester didn’t feel this way at all-I knew he was worried about me, but in every aspect, he was simply excited and as prepared as he could be. Apparently he did think of all the realities when we started talking about having kids, so he was just excited for this. He can’t wait to be a Dad, and I know he will be as good at that as he is at being a husband. While this was reassuring and he tried to be supportive and cater to me, I think the fact that he was so calm made me worry even more that maybe this was just me-like maybe he was qualified for this, but I was not!

But then one week, in the midst of all this, I decided I was going to force myself, regardless of how sick I felt to take a walk outside alone. I brought an Ipod and left. The weather was just like SF weather-cold and a little windy/foggy but not too terrible. I’d been praying and crying and looking for the peace and confirmation that my baby would be OK with me as a mother. I got it, in an unexpected place. John Mayer’s song ‘Heart of Life’ came on, and as silly as that sounds, as I listened to it, I thought of my Heavenly Father saying those words to me. How he hates to see me hurting and scared-but that he knows that I will see that the silver lining is worth it. That the pain and fears won’t last but the peace, happiness and fulfillment I get from doing this will. For the first time in my relatively short, but difficult pregnancy thus far, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm, happiness, faith and of absolute love for my child. My child. I am going to have a baby. And I am I am going to try the best possible Mom I could ever possibly be! I AM SO EXCITED!!!

Anywho, since then I have seen the doctor, and they have told me that everything is going extremely well. We even got to have an ultrasound and I walked away with my first ever picture of our sweet baby!

And let me tell you, our baby is a DANCER! As soon as the technician said she was going to stop the sonogram, as if on cue and saying, “WAIT don’t go!” our baby-no joke, there are no other words for it-started DANCING! It was like it was saying, “Mom, Dad look what I can do!” as if it knew we already were, and forever will be its most loyal, enthusiastic audience. AH I can’t even describe it it was to amazing! Both Lester and I couldn’t stop laughing in shock and excitement-its like seeing our baby, and getting a glimpse already of its personality made it all the more real. AMAZING!

As I said, I am 10 weeks [which is like 2 1/2 months], and my official due date is October 28th [my cousin Malia’s bday!]. Of course, this means we will go from Idaho, to California, to Oklahoma, where we will have our baby if everything goes well!!

This is probably more then you readers [if there are any of you who stuck through this post] ever cared or wanted to know about this. But this blog is for me just as much as it is for anyone else-and I want to remember every bit of this in detail if I can! Again, we are ECSTATIC and so happy we can finally share this news w all of you! Lastly, I would watch I Love Lucy with my mom when I was a kid, and this episode always made me cry, and think about someday when I'd get to be a Mom. I wanted to share it with you-grab a tissue box if you can and enjoy!